4am. What better time to blog? Well, it’s just another symptom. The lack of sleep is due mostly to an overactive brain curiously at odds with its depression.
Let's get some definitions out of the way early;
1) Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD): a state in which one is overly anxious all the time, and often - but not necessarily - suffering frequent Panic Attacks,
2) Chronic Clinical Depression: a condition in which the patient suffers low mood, interest and drive. and
3) Suicidal Tendencies (ST): a particular state in which the patient can only see one solution to end their psychological pain, that being suicide, and active plans or fantasises suicide. Ok so these may not be DMIV/V definitions, but they will do.
A person, such as myself, can suffer all 3 conditions at the same time but more usually just 1 or 2 combinations at a y one time. Treatment is brutal, to say the least. I've been here too many times before.
Knowing there is "the other side", i.e. wellness doesn't make surviving any more pleasant. In a way it makes it harder. When will the next episode be? GAD leads to depression with ST. In my case Depression is a dominant feature. Over the 20+ I've learned to be a damn good liar, actor & identity theif in order to function. Most chronic sufferers recognise this and detest themselves because of it. Soon the GAD surfaces, then depression with ST.
Make of that what you want, but certainly not a life I willing choose, want, seek or wish upon others. At this point I thank family, friends, empathises, medicos and fellow sufferers for doing what they can to help me to "the other side", back to wellness. It is amazing how many suffer quietly, too afraid to ask for help knowing that doing so will expose the lies they have led.
And me? Well, the anxiety that led to writing this is rapidly evaporating. Depression has an awful habit of griping one's goolies tightly with no intention of letting go.