It’s somewhat remiss of me having successfully ignored my blog. The trouble is about my lack of confidence and esteem; I don’t have anything worthwhile to say, I’m not interesting and so on. The point isn’t about whether I am dull and uninspiring, it’s whether I believe I’m insipid and tedious. Which, unfortunately, I do, and since today is Australia Day (or Invasion Day if you prefer), now is the time to write something that will be buried in the bloggosphere amongst all the other national day blogs.
2010 was a tempestuous year for me. End of a long term relationship, death of a pet, homelessness, multiple hospitalisations. Oh, for a quiet, boring life.
Yet even as it’s easy to look at the negatives, many positive things happened too, and the year ended on a surge of positive self-discovery and that’s pretty much due to my American mate. He views the world with child-like wonder. His philosophy is simple; it is what it is. His ability to extract joy from the simplest pleasures is astounding. And this is what triggered my urge to look at myself anew. Who am I really? What do I like? What makes me happy? Sad? Indifferent? So here is a short list of what I’ve found so far:
• I’m not a leader, I’m a follower. Yes, I’m fine with that now. Not everyone can be a leader, which is just as well as I’ve often found myself frustrated in situations when there are too many chief and not enough indians.
• I like rules, except when they are stupid. Yes, it sounds like a stupid thing to say, a bit like “I obey the laws I believe to be just and disobey the laws I believe to be unjust,” but really it means that I don’t control the rules of the game, and ought to stop thinking that I should. A simple example is a game. Sometimes a rule makes no sense or doesn’t reflect the real world; this frustrates me, but it’s about time I stopped worrying about it, getting bogged down in its syntax and semantics, and embraced the game as a whole, the broader picture.
• I ought to stop trying to justify myself when I don’t like something. Not everything ought to be liked, it’s fine to have tastes and be discretionary and discriminating at a personal level. I don’t like Tom Hanks films, for example. Full stop.
• Now is the time to thank people instead of thinking “I don’t deserve any praise, well wishes or compliments.” If someone says something lovely to me, it’s probably because they’re sincere and the proper thing for me to do is to humbly accept.
• I have friends, mates, for a reason. If I were truly repulsive physically and emotionally then I wouldn’t have such terrific, loving people around me.
• Ask. So what if someone thinks I’m an idiot for asking. If I don’t ask, I can’t get or, worse, won’t be told.
• Rejection is as normal as acceptance. It’s time to stop taking things personally; if I ask and someone says “No”, it probably isn’t because of me and in any case they don’t have to justify it. After all, if I’m going to attempt articulate what I like and don’t like, want and don’t want without justification, then I shouldn’t expect anyone else too.
It’s a start.