4am. What better time to blog? Well, it’s just another symptom. The lack of sleep is due mostly to an overactive brain curiously at odds with its depression.
Let's get some definitions out of the way early;
1) Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD): a state in which one is overly anxious all the time, and often - but not necessarily - suffering frequent Panic Attacks,
2) Chronic Clinical Depression: a condition in which the patient suffers low mood, interest and drive. and
3) Suicidal Tendencies (ST): a particular state in which the patient can only see one solution to end their psychological pain, that being suicide, and active plans or fantasises suicide. Ok so these may not be DMIV/V definitions, but they will do.
A person, such as myself, can suffer all 3 conditions at the same time but more usually just 1 or 2 combinations at a y one time. Treatment is brutal, to say the least. I've been here too many times before.
Knowing there is "the other side", i.e. wellness doesn't make surviving any more pleasant. In a way it makes it harder. When will the next episode be? GAD leads to depression with ST. In my case Depression is a dominant feature. Over the 20+ I've learned to be a damn good liar, actor & identity theif in order to function. Most chronic sufferers recognise this and detest themselves because of it. Soon the GAD surfaces, then depression with ST.
Make of that what you want, but certainly not a life I willing choose, want, seek or wish upon others. At this point I thank family, friends, empathises, medicos and fellow sufferers for doing what they can to help me to "the other side", back to wellness. It is amazing how many suffer quietly, too afraid to ask for help knowing that doing so will expose the lies they have led.
And me? Well, the anxiety that led to writing this is rapidly evaporating. Depression has an awful habit of griping one's goolies tightly with no intention of letting go.
29 September, 2010
27 September, 2010
So, after whining like a whinging bitch, I received my wish. I'm now a psychiatric patient. Things don't get much lower. It's a low as shark shit. Any lower would be six feet under.
That's it for today. Whoopee.
That's it for today. Whoopee.
09 September, 2010
Funny how life never turns out as planned, and sometimes I'm happy it doesn't.
Firstly a big shout out to the Twitterati. Without Twitter, I'm not sure where I'd be right now. The story is simple enough; for reasons beyond my control I had less than a week to move on from the temporary stay I had. So a plea of help resulted in a wave of retreating. The generosity of strangers to help - not only with accommodation - but also to move my meagre belongings (one bag and a backpack) had me staggering.
So for the time being I'm in a position of not having to worry. Well, I worry, but at least I can concentrate on the main matter of rehabilitation at Shenton Park. There are so many more things I can do now that I couldn't do a few months ago, and I'm really enjoying gym now. Well… mostly. I'll never have the body of an elite athlete so it's fortunate that I don't want one. But I am stronger, and the added benefit is less back pain. Most of the time.
That other niggling thing, the rheumatoid arthritis, hasn't been as kind (nor has the osteoarthritis for that matter), but it's good that the body isn't falling apart. A new lot of medications seem to be more effective and the evidence is that my hands, wrists and back aren't as painful or stiff. A handy side effect is that my posture is better and my other bits are, how should I say this… happier? Yes, happier is a good start. Happier in the mornings. Happier in the evenings. Happier at supper time…
Good news for some: the Caretaker government is over. After seemingly a billion weeks the Gillard Labor government persuaded enough independents to have a majority of seats in the House of Representatives. No, the sky didn’t fall in, and it didn’t fall in when it looked like a deadlock of 74 seats to Labor, 74 to the Liberal/National/Country Liberal/Liberal National conglomerate commonly known as the
Bastards Coalition, with 76 seats needed to form a majority. (It’d like to point out to the Liberal Party leader, Tony Abbott, that the Liberals didn’t win 72 seats as he oft claims; the Coalition won 71 with 1 WA National who will sit on the cross benches.) So now we join the fate of other nations enjoying the benefits of a minority government. No big deal; Western Australia has had a minority government for over 2 years now, and even though it’s a Liberal/National/Independent coalition, the sky hasn’t fallen in. Surprisingly it seems voters don’t hate Premier Colin Barnett as much as they did when he was Opposition Leader.
Of course, the other big gig going on at the moment is my Fremantle Docker's progression through the finals. With a big injury toll this season, like Barlow's broken leg (cop that, round-ball football fans with your diving and fake injuries), making it to 5th was a big deal. But the bookies had us as an outside chance to beat 2008 Premiers, Hawthorn. Stuff that. We buried them from the start. Three hours later, tough questions were being asked of the Hawks. How could they be thrashed by such a lowly regarded sided of teenagers?
The answer's easy. The Hawthorn Hawks aren't as good as they think they are.
Next assignment: Geelong, Friday night at the MCG. A lot of the Freo mob flew, bused, drove and trained across the continent. Hopefully we'll get a full house and beat the Geelong Cats again. (We beat the reigning Premiers in round 3 this year, much to the shock of sporting journos).
The other news is a new iPhone app (what? Another one?) Yes, this app is for a select clientele. Like me. It's amazing to think that there are so many like minded people all over the world. Chatted to a few, but thought "just another way to be let down." How wrong I've been. In fact, there is some weird thing going on.
For starters, intelligent conversation isn’t dead. A little further down the track I find someone that I know I just click with. We’d click better if he wasn’t in the US, and 12 hours behind. But as Dr Carl Sagan once said “Life finds a way,” and I’m curious to find out more!